Wednesday, February 09, 2005
| This Thing Called Depression
As many of you know, I’ve been going through quite an up-hill battle lately. If you’re a long time reader of this journal, you know that I deal with depression. I was first diagnosed with this illness during my junior year of college and ever since then it’s been quite a rollercoaster ride. I’ve been in and out of therapy and I’ve done a year on both St. John’s Wart and Prozac. I had a very difficult time on Prozac and the organic St. John’s Wart did nothing but piss me off at its lack of effectiveness. Without any further medication my depression seemed to go into remission and I made the decision to pull myself from therapy as well. Since graduating college, I’ve seen a slow, but steady decline in my emotional state. I have extreme highs and extreme lows and with time, I have found that my anxiety level has exploded. It wasn’t until I got back from Europe that the shit really hit the fan. The thing with depression is that those who suffer from it often hide it very well. The last thing I ever wanted my friends or family to think is that I can’t handle my own life. Through some pretty dismal discoveries, I was confronted with the truth that I had spent so long hiding. While I was pretty upset with my secret being exposed, I can look back on it now and be grateful that someone stepped in when they did. The hardest part about this disease is that many people don’t believe it really exists. I have heard many times that I’m “lazy” or “faking” or that I’m just “unmotivated to change my life”. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s very hard for me to explain what it feels like to be me. I’m a good looking, funny, smart, and talented individual. Yet, every day I look in the mirror and I see someone who is fat, ugly, a loser, and someone who will never amount to anything. I’ll get up to go to work and find myself showered and sitting on the couch, panic stricken about getting on the subway. I’ll spend an entire Saturday afternoon with the TV off, just staring at the wall, worrying about the most inconsequential thing. Rather than go out with my friends to brunch or a movie, I will tell them that I’m busy, just so I don’t have to leave the apartment, nor deal with the guilt trip I feel will accompany my response. It became so out of control that I started to entertain some very ugly and destructive thoughts. Through conversations with my parents and friends, I decided that it was time for me to start going back to therapy. I also decided that it was time for me to begin a new cycle of medication. That’s how bad things got in my world. Last week I went to see my doctor. He knows all about my history with depression and I figured that it was time to confront this issue head on. At first my doctor told me that he wanted me to begin therapy before starting on any new medication. I explained that I didn’t want to leave his office without a prescription because I felt like I had hit rock bottom and needed some outside help, other than talking to someone once a week. It was at that point that I pulled out a list of items detailing the thoughts that have been running through my head. I had also taken some online quizzes to gauge where I was at as far as the severity of the depression and I showed them to him as well. Once I handed over this material, my doctor told me that he was “extremely concerned” with my current status and immediately wrote me a prescription for Lexapro, which is a derivative of Celexa. We talked for 45 minutes about positive life changes I could make and he gave me his cell phone number just in case I ever needed someone objective to talk to. He was amazing and when I left the office, I truly felt as though my life was starting to turn around for the better. I’ve since attended two therapy sessions and I must admit that it is going rather well. I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I can open up about how I truly feel about things, but it will come in time. For now, I have to consistently remind myself that this illness is very real and I must spend every day trying to get better. I haven’t noticed much of a difference with the Lexapro, but I was told that it would take between 2-4 weeks before I saw any major change in my emotional control. I am a very blessed individual. I have a great life and I have wonderful people surrounding me. My problem is that I can’t understand why I deserve any of it. I have major guilt issues and I feel unbelievable pressure to be perfect; to say the right thing, do the right thing, live up to the expectations of everyone around me. Truth is, no one expects me to be anything but myself. Yet my brain doesn’t see it that way. My absence from this journal is relative to my emotional state as of late. It’s hard to find the energy to write about anything when deep down I just feel so sad and helpless all the time. I think my reasoning for getting into this today is because I am starting to feel a little bit more in control of my actions and my feelings. By writing this all down, I can see this situation for the reality that it is. If you are someone who deals with feelings of anxiety, overwhelming sadness, or long periods of deep frustration, you may have a form of depression as well. I’m more than willing to answer any questions that you may have and I will do my best to understand how you feel. The part of this whole thing that upsets me most is that I always feel as though no one understands what it really feels like inside of my body. Unless I’m hysterically crying, no one can see how truly sad I feel. And then the minute I smile, they think that I’m all better and don’t require the same type of sensitivity and attention. So when assholes write comments in my journal that say “god, you are a fag”...they may think it’s funny and bold, but really it affects me much deeper than they will ever know. It’s not something that casually rolls off my back. My skin may be thick, but underneath it is a swirl of undeniable fear, sadness, and frustration. I do my best to get out of bed every morning and I do my best to complete the daily tasks that lay before me. And really, at this point, the only thing that gives me hope is that I am indeed doing my best. (For more information on Prozac, Lexapro, or St. John's Wort, click on the appropriate link on the right) |
